Identity

I never identified who she was. Yet she pointed out my blog specifically for her readers. I never named her here so that anyone can find their way to her blog. Yet she put a link directly back to here.

She says that I hate her. I suppose that is possible. I don't know for certain. What I know for certain is that it has been about 13 months since I heard the sound of her voice. I know that it has been about that same amount of time since there was an actual conversation between her and I. I know in all that time she would not leave my thoughts. I know in all that time I did not stop hurting as a result of things she did and things she said. I know for certain that I hate the way she treated me last year in the month before she ended our relationship. I know for certain that I hate the way she has treated me since. I once thought she really was a good person with a good heart. I do not get to see that person at all and I hate that.

She told me that she talked with at least four people before she made a decision which hurt me so much that it left me collapsed as you can read about here. I believe in the concept of a fair and unbiased trial. Those four were people who knew her personally and knew nothing about me except whatever she shared with them. This means they were biased against me. Had she spoken to four people (at that time) who knew me but did not know her, they would be biased as well, and probably looked at her with a great deal of confusion. If she chose four people who did not know either one of us, and they were allowed the full story of what both she and I were going through, I believe her decision would have been different. I didn't get that fair trial, and I was very hurt before it even happened.

I was hurting before she collapsed my world. I was hurting because of personal factors in my life that were incredibly hard to deal with. And I was hurting because of her. I have no doubt that things were more complex than I can write about here. I know she was going through stuff and I was going through stuff. I was hurt because she chose to stop communicating with me. I was hurt because she was pushing me away without any explanations (it took 8 months to get anything that resembled an explanation). I was hurting in general and I felt abandoned (again).

Would I have intentionally hurt her before that collapse? No! I mean emphatically NO! If I did or said something that hurt her before that collapse, it truly was unintentionally because I SO did not want to hurt her in any way shape or form.

Have I knowingly and intentionally hurt her since then. Yes. Yes I have and I know I have. Going through pain and depression and anguish is very difficult for anyone. Imagine what it is like for someone who has no experience going through them. That was me. I had no idea what levels of depression, sadness, emotional pain, and even intense bouts with anger that I had to deal with. I honestly did not know how to deal with them. In periods of intense pain/anger combination, I did send emails that I regret. I also sent emails in which I tried (in vain) to get her to see my side of the story and what I felt as a result of things she said and did. I have posts here that I go back and read and I wonder if I am being fair.

Then I recall the things she wrote about me in her blog. Things that hurt so much more than I think she can imagine. Even now, having read the latest that she wrote. Knowing that she told me she would never read my blog (and yet she did), and seeing that she identified my blog, it hurts. I have come to believe that she will never make any attempt to communicate with me. To try and understand what I felt and what I went through, or give me any chance to understand what she felt and went through. To somehow find a way to apologize for those mistakes we both made (FYI, I actually tried to apologize once, she responded by telling me she hopes I get over my shit - that is not paraphrased, she actually said those words).

Maybe if she knew how much she hurt me through her blog, she would give real consideration to removing everything about me from her blog. I have expressed (multiple times) to her and others that I want to be removed from her blog (everything: posts, comments, links, just everything no matter who wrote it). I want the Vitriol that was directed at me to be removed. I want those past memories to be removed as if the pain of them could be removed as easily. I want her to be the person who stated that "All humans I interact with are treated with care and warmth. Sarcasm and Vitriol are self directed." She knows now that I am hurt by things she said in her blog. She knows that in her blog she did not treat me with care and warmth. I never made any statement about how I would treat others here. I only asked that comments be respectful. When the time comes that I am past her. I will remove her from this blog. If she were to ever make an effort in regards to me, something that would allow us to just move on. I would remove her from this blog. I honestly do not want to hold onto to that which has been hurting me. The hurting is still there and the posts are still there with it.

I know there will never again be any kind of a relationship between her and I. I have moved on enough that I won't go back. That doesn't stop me from wishing she and I could find a way to communicate. It doesn't stop me from wishing she and I could find a way to accept what the other went through. To find a way for both of us to make sincere apologies and find forgiveness for each other. In stupid fantasies I have, where such a thing happens, it is followed by her living her life where she is, and me living mine where I am, without much communication between us (maybe blog posts, maybe comments, maybe email, possibly hardly anything), and neither of us feeling the pain or anguish that we went through because of each other. In that fantasy communication is no longer is issue because things that needed to be resolved were resolved, so I see myself as not worried over whether or not there is any communication.

Perhaps that really is a stupid fantasy. Everything I have seen tells me it is impossible for it to happen.

Even with that. I will not link to her blog. I will not give her name or any identity she uses. There is only one person she and I mutually know with whom I still speak. I do not speak about her with that person. I specifically asked not to speak about her because I did not need any reminders about her (I have more than enough of those in my fucked up head and heart as it is).

So if you followed a link here that she shared. Please remember that I am a real flesh and blood person. I have been through a great deal in my own life. I have my own ups and downs. For about 14 months now, she has been one of those downs. If you read anything else in this blog, if you read things I have written in my darkness and judge against me, then you may not be giving me fair credit as a human being who has traveled a difficult road and is finding it very difficult to bounce back up.