Compartmentalized

I think often every person has multiple selfs. Not in the sense of multiple personalities. In the sense that we can be like one kind of person with someone (or a group) and seem completely different with a different person (or group). For example. At work we may be very professional and careful about appearance and words. With friends we may go out get drunk without any care about appearance and just have fun.

I am compartmentalized. I have recognized this for some time. Not long ago, I took an aspect of me that I call the Dom and I closed him into a room within my mind. The reason for his being was not present, and thus he went into a place of hiding. Occasionally he was allowed to come out to offer me some of his thoughts and suggestions, but pretty much he stayed in his room (a room which looks remarkably like an unused dungeon for some reason).

If you have read all of the blog (and I think there are only handful who can claim that), then you know there has been a significant shift in the blog. There are always shifts. These things happen. It seemed to start with sex, but there was definitely something else there. It changed to something else again (an emotional item for me to deal with), and somewhere along the way the anger and pain I felt toward one person took dominance, and then it shifted away from that.

As I try to write out my thoughts. There are these quotes from TV shows that ramble through my mind. So I am going to share them.

From Star Trek (first series).
Scotty: There is an old saying. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

The other is from Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Willow: (stops him) Oz, wait. Please?

He stops and reluctantly gives her his attention.

Willow: What I did... When I think that I hurt you...

Oz: Yeah. You said all this stuff already.

Willow: Right, but... I wanna make it up to you. I mean, if you let me,
I wanna try.

Oz: Just... You can leave me alone. I need to figure things out.

Willow: But maybe if we talk about it, we could...

Oz: Look... I'm sorry this is hard for you. But I told you what I need.
So I can't help feeling like the reason you want to talk is so you can
feel better about yourself. That's not my problem.

There really is a reason for those two scenes to be jumping around in my head. First we go back to the most recent shift. I shifted from the angry/hurt by one person to whatever it became now (still working on that). That was something that was over a year old. I realized back then, that she did use me. She says she didn't, but that is probably because she does not realize that she really did. Then we come to the present and I am aware now that she used me again. It was different this time though. She used me to feel better about herself and I allowed her to. So going to the first quote from Scotty. Shame on me.

I opened a door in my mind. I let the Dom come out of his room and into my mind. He had one specific purpose. To find that part of me that was weak and allowed her to get to me again. He found that part of me, he put it in chains, and he locked it into another room. That part of me is not there to be tortured. I have had enough of that. It is simply there to be cut off from me. To make sure I will not be troubled by it any further.

Recently I remembered exactly why I was so drawn to her, and why I wanted her so much as I did. Then I was reminded what it is about her that I do not like. I am going back to what I once said in a previous post. I do not believe she understands what love is, and I do not believe she really understands what it means to care about another human being.

I won't tell her not to read my blog anymore. She can hide in such a way that I would never know if she is reading. Maybe that is what she prefers.

For now, the Dom is back in his room. Probably reading a good erotic book. The weak one is wearing his chains and locked in his room. I doubt he will be allowed to come back out anytime soon.