Matter

I matter! I suspect I have mentioned that once or twice in the context of this young blog. In all of the time I have been writing, there have been two dominating topics. One is sex! Woohoo!!!

The other is one woman with whom I expressed some rather dark thoughts. If I may be plain about it, I have expressed anger and hurt in regards to this woman. I have said cruel things about her and in regards to her. I have insulted her intelligence, made her seem less human (and less humane).

If I wanted to go on about what I have said, I would go back and read my own posts (and some of those posts have now been removed).

I apologize. To this woman I apologize. I already apologized to her by voice and by email before considering writing this post. I am choosing to apologize here (even knowing full well she would tell me it is not necessary) because here is where I said so much that was intended to (and did) hurt her.

That is one part of the story. The other part is that she apologized to me as well. Also by voice and by email.

The story is rather long and complex and simply more than I really want to put within this blog (at this time – I’ll reserve the right to write whatever shit I wanna). In short, over the course of the last thirteen or fourteen months, I sincerely questioned whether or not I mattered. I questioned whether or not what she and I went through meant anything to her or if it was only me.

I did say it many times that what I thought, and what I felt, and what I basically was as a person needed to matter.

In the meeting of our minds, and I’ll dare to even say our hearts. I have found that I always did matter to her. She had her reasons for not being able to show it. I never wanted to drive her away, but I did things which drove her away. That is something that too often happens in relationships and like so many I was unable to change or alter that course.

I do not have to ask for acceptance of my apology. She does not have to ask me to accept hers. I accept hers and I give trust she has accepted my apologies. I said before within this blog that I forgive her. I now feel that in my heart.

A weight that I have carried all this time has been lifted. One of three things that left me struggling to get through each day has been resolved. I hope the second of those three will be resolved very soon, and I guess I will just have to accept that the third one may never be resolved.